In a dramatic, late-night exclusive interview with a glossy magazine, the Duchess of York, 66, revealed a truth so outlandish, so utterly unbelievable, that even veteran Palace watchers are sputtering into their crumpets.
THE SECRET HOBBY: Andrew’s Crafty Confession!
Forget polo, forget sailing, forget those endless dog walks! The ‘shock’ announcement? Prince Andrew is secretly preparing to launch his own international line of hand-knitted, artisanal scarves and tea cosies!
“He’s been working on this for years!” a tearful (yet glowing) Fergie told the magazine. “Behind those high hedges, in his little-known ‘Knit Nook’ at Royal Lodge, he’s been painstakingly purling and cabling. He’s obsessed! It’s all he talks about!”
The line, reportedly named “A-Knits: Royal Threads,” is set to be unveiled next month, featuring a ‘Balmoral Blue’ merino wool scarf and a limited-edition tea cosy shaped like a miniature corgi.
“Honestly, I thought he was just hiding from the media,” the Duchess confessed, “But no! He was meticulously counting stitches. He keeps yelling at me, ‘Fergie, have you seen my 4mm circular needles?’ It’s maddening. But… it’s also adorable! He’s found his passion!” The Royal Knitting Empire
This bizarre career pivot is said to be the Prince’s attempt to earn his own keep and “rebrand” as a humble, sweater-loving artisan. Insiders suggest the motivation is purely financial—and possibly an attempt to win over public opinion with softness and yarn.
“He believes this is his ticket back,” a ‘trusted source’ from the Royal circle whispered to us. “He thinks the public will forgive past discretions if he shows them he can knit a truly beautiful cable-knit pattern. It’s an insane gamble, but Andrew has always been… different.”
The Princesses’ Reaction: Mortified or Marveling?
The question on everyone’s lips: What do Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie think of their father’s new, fuzzy venture?
“They are, naturally, supportive,” Fergie insisted, though her eye twitched slightly. “Beatrice received a slightly-too-tight crocheted headband for her birthday. And Eugenie’s baby August has a whole fleet of hand-stitched booties. They’re just praying he doesn’t try to use the Buckingham Palace gift shop for his launch party.”
The Duchess concluded her interview with a bold statement that left readers gasping:
“This is it. This is the new Andrew. No longer a Duke, but a Dooker… a Do-it-Yourself knitter! And I will be his number one customer, even if I have to buy all 500 of his ‘Crown Jewel’ tea cosies myself!”
The world awaits the ‘A-Knits’ launch with a mixture of confusion and morbid curiosity. Will this bizarre yarn-bombing rebrand succeed? Or will the Prince end up tangling himself in his own woolly dreams? Only time, and the sales figures for tiny corgi tea cosies, will tell.